FERRISWRKS: Connie, I love you w/ every once of my body & soul!
FERRISWRKS: <<<< welling...up
FERRISWRKS: [once = ounce]
FERRISWRKS: s.......not like me to make such arbitrary spelling foohpas
cpound90: and i know you love me ray i have told you i have and never will doubt that
FERRISWRKS: ...but what do you want for ZERO sleep > 70 hours!
cpound90: i know now ray you will never be able to forgive me for what i have done to you
FERRISWRKS: ah sh*t! *PAGER* ...!!!! that wouldn't happen to be you - again, would it?
cpound90: i did call earlier but you should have gotten it
FERRISWRKS: Yeah, I got that one. About 20 mins ago
cpound90: yes as soon as dr l left
cpound90: he brought me a check for attorney i only need $1000 more
FERRISWRKS: Well.............BRB x 2
cpound90: are you gone
cpound90: sorry i wasnt talking thought you had left for [pager
FERRISWRKS: I did
FERRISWRKS: Unless OR until you feel that I am no longer worth the wait...
cpound90: i will never feel that
FERRISWRKS: Oh f*ck!
cpound90: yikes what
FERRISWRKS: There! Now you have your cohort to pass the e-time w/ until thy Doctor gets back
FERRISWRKS: She's GOAN!
cpound90: im here
cpound90: sorry a mom came
cpound90: he is gone now
cpound90: if you come back i will hear you im me it is time for kids to leave
FERRISWRKS: Ok...I need to go offline for a minute
cpound90: ok i will wait for you
FERRISWRKS: be back in about 5 minutes
cpound90: have to go to counselor at 6
cpound90: ill be here
cpound90: hi welcome bcak
cpound90: di you get it taken care of
FERRISWRKS: of course
cpound90: i was sure of that
FERRISWRKS: When TRUSTED (doesn't take long for people to gain that we me) and
FERRISWRKS: (the KICKER) given the supportive adjuncts, such that they (the pt. or person in NEED)
FERRISWRKS: can & do work w/ me and FOLLOW the fold regardless of how unorthodox and/or 'leap of faith-ish' it is...
FERRISWRKS: ......9 times of 10 things not only fair well, or at least favorably, but progress in a smooth and non-discordant fashion!
cpound90: ray i know i dont deserve the love you have for me
FERRISWRKS: and it's that sort of feeling from that statement which is so very disheartning and traumatic for me
cpound90: i dont know what to say anymore......i am afraid to tell you how i feel
FERRISWRKS: If that right there is true, (and I hope it is not) well then you will have made up my mind on what to do for you (wanting to say US!)
FERRISWRKS: or NOT do, actually...
cpound90: it isnt true......i am not afraid to tell you anything.......i can tell you anything.....i feel so lost right now
cpound90: i feel like i am in a tunnel falling and i cant find my way back
FERRISWRKS: (forencively stated - as MaDoctor KNOWS the answer)
cpound90: is he going to tell me
FERRISWRKS: he is not
FERRISWRKS: It would be useless
cpound90: im sorry you feel like that
cpound90: nothing in my life ever goes the way it should i am a fuck up
FERRISWRKS: I'm sorry YOU feel that way
cpound90: i think that if i were to go away and start over it would be better for everyone
cpound90: you know i am probably the worst thing that could happen to my kids
FERRISWRKS: Every line you have written in the last 5 minutes has been backwards
cpound90: no it hasnt i am useless worthless
FERRISWRKS: nothing in my life ever goes the way it should i am a fuck up << MADOC
cpound90: nope sorry it is all me
FERRISWRKS: cpound90: i think that if i were to go away and start over it would be better for everyone (not your children! Who you gave birth to [LIFE!] & live and breath for)
FERRISWRKS: It's actually quite IRONIC (sadly) that you said that you should (probably) go away.......would be better for everyone.
cpound90: whats so ironic sounds like a good plan to me.....
cpound90: i am no good to anyone......i need some time away
FERRISWRKS: Because I not only feel/have felt that way but (and this was the original reason I said I wanted to talk w/ you)
cpound90: maybe i will go farrrr away and never come back
FERRISWRKS: am one signature away from leaving for Medical stint in Cambridge Bay NWT
cpound90: and are you going
FERRISWRKS: (high Arctic above Baffin Glaciers
cpound90: where i was thinking i should go isnt quite so hmmmm cold it is really hot there
FERRISWRKS: where the die-hard miners, and native Inuit live)
FERRISWRKS: I would've liked WARM too - wanted to vei for Costa Rica
cpound90: i have to go to the counselor.......suppose tobe there at 6
FERRISWRKS: but two other locum tenens MD's got it
cpound90: im sorry i wish you could get a place you want if thats what you want to do........idont want you to go
FERRISWRKS: Anyway, if I sign.....I leave Next Wednesday
cpound90: are you going
FERRISWRKS: God Connie! I don't want to
cpound90: PLEASEEEEEEEEEE DONT RAY!!!!!!!!!!!
cpound90: i have to go will you meet me here in 1 hour
FERRISWRKS: I want to help YOU
cpound90: i was suppose tobe there at 6........i want you to help me i do i really do ray
FERRISWRKS: talk later
cpound90: will you be here
cpound90: i can call and cancel if you cant
FERRISWRKS: not online
cpound90: want me to call
cpound90: or what
FERRISWRKS: (crying heavely)
cpound90: me too ray
FERRISWRKS: I LOVE YOU
cpound90: i dont want o go
FERRISWRKS: page me
cpound90: why am i such a selfish bitch
cpound90: why cant i be the person you desrve
cpound90: why am i such a fuck up
FERRISWRKS: It's NOT your CONCSIOUS fault baby
cpound90: why do i do it
cpound90: why am i so worthless
FERRISWRKS: IF you would only let me HELP you
FERRISWRKS: why you do it is the SAME REASON (or question for doing it)
FERRISWRKS: that I can't get organized
cpound90: if i make it home ill page you..........
FERRISWRKS: be productive to my 'predicted' potentia;l
cpound90: when he finishes with me
FERRISWRKS: one sec
FERRISWRKS: THINK for a sec.....
cpound90: when i had you i liked me i hate me right now ray
cpound90: i have to go ray
cpound90: or not go if im not going
FERRISWRKS: you are basically thinking the same ' L ' word I think (and you scauf me for)
cpound90: i am a LOSER ray...a big fat loser
cpound90: i am worthless
FERRISWRKS: you are NOT really.....I am not REALLY
cpound90: yes i am
FERRISWRKS: you helped me see that
FERRISWRKS: Let me HELP YOU see that too
cpound90: i dont desreve you ray
FERRISWRKS: remember GOD?
cpound90: you deserve to be happy
cpound90: you deserve someone better than me
FERRISWRKS: a reason GOD brought us together?
cpound90: he makes mistakes......look at me i am one of them
FERRISWRKS: Do you realize you just INSULTED
cpound90: no i didnt if i did im sorry
cpound90: i didnt mean to
FERRISWRKS: You just called ME a mistake
cpound90: see i am a fu*k up
cpound90: no i called ME a mistake you arent one
cpound90: cpound90: he makes mistakes......look at me i am one of them
FERRISWRKS: RAY = CONNIE = 831
FERRISWRKS: cpound90: i know now ray you will never be able to forgive me for what i have done to you
FERRISWRKS: remember that?
cpound90: yes i do
cpound90: and you wont
FERRISWRKS: CAt the start of this IM
FERRISWRKS: You are right
FERRISWRKS: I don't
FERRISWRKS: I DON'T HAVE TOO
FERRISWRKS: AND WILL NEVER
FERRISWRKS: Because, regardless of tears, jeers, poverty, ills, pills, bills
FERRISWRKS: CHD, ADHD, MANIC-DEPRESSION etc. etc.
cpound90: i know you do but i dont deserve it
cpound90: why cant i dothat ray
FERRISWRKS: You can
cpound90: i have got to go dr l is suppose to meet me there awwwwww i was suppose to be there at 6.............ill page you
cpound90: or should i call and cancel
FERRISWRKS: you just don't know how to be YOU
cpound90: i dont know who i am
cpound90: i do know i am worthless......
FERRISWRKS: enough to sacrifice stuff you only do to PRETEND
FERRISWRKS: to be something you are NOT
cpound90: thats right i am a nobody
cpound90: i am someone merely trying to exist
cpound90: with no cause and no where to go......
FERRISWRKS: Hey guess what?
cpound90: fuck me right
FERRISWRKS: I can do that but It always ends up being MAKING LOVE w/ you baby
FERRISWRKS: Guess what?
FERRISWRKS: cpound90: thats right i am a nobody
cpound90: see you agree with me
FERRISWRKS: Well, that being the case
FERRISWRKS: (according to you)
FERRISWRKS: then the guess what is....
FERRISWRKS: I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY Connie NOBODY!
cpound90: and i love you ray
FERRISWRKS: Now go, and I don't ever want to hear that
FERRISWRKS: "if I make it home" crap
FERRISWRKS: don't think I missed that
cpound90: ill call you as soon as i get home.....
FERRISWRKS: OK......and connnie
FERRISWRKS: Would you believe it if I told you
FERRISWRKS: that from the way you are expressing yourslef now
FERRISWRKS: I not only love you
FERRISWRKS: but I love you MORE and BELIEVE in that love
cpound90: why did god send you to me
cpound90: be back at 7
FERRISWRKS: why send you to me?